Andover 13 - Cobham 26

The term "must win" is often over overused in sport, but for both teams involved, Saturday’s fixture was definitely that. Andover have had a difficult season and anything less than a win would see them consigned to playing London 4 rugby next season. For Cobham, a victory over Andover, coupled with a defeat for Purley John Fisher in a tricky looking tie at Guernsey would give Cobham automatic promotion and save their players the drama of a playoff. Cobham fans and players secretly prayed for a Guernsey victory, hoping that PJF’s players spent the Friday night doing what Cobham would like to do on the last weekend of the season – namely, drinking the island dry and emptying Guernsey's boulangeries of pork scratchings and scotch eggs as is now traditional.

Conditions at Andover’s Goodship Ground were foreboding – dark skies and heavy drizzle suggesting a fairly tight approach to the game would be necessary. A shame, because Cobham’s spectators are used to a mixed game and do not pay to see ten man rugby; in fact, they don’t pay at all. However, its horses for courses and Cobham have a number of shire horses in their team to complement the show ponies. This wasn't the kind of game for silver-booted metrosexual three quarters

Cobham kicked off the game playing down the slope but with the wind in their faces and were soon in to their stride. One-legged Rolf Harris wannabe Dan Taylor was directing matters from fly-half with aplomb, and though the home team put in some big hits Cobham were in the driving seat. A kick into andover territory from Nick Sutton allowed Hahn to steal the resulting lineout and Cobham had their first period of sustained pressure which Andover showed some real commitment to repel.

At set pieces Cobham looked more than solid. Gus and Nunny had apparently been told that the opposition second rows had scotch eggs in their pockets and were duly destroying their opposite numbers in a bid to get their smackers round some snacks. At lineout, man of the match Paul Maher - stepping into the no.2 jersey for the first time this season - was throwing beautiful arrows, hitting double tops and maximums to Ben 'analogue' Pickett, Tall Captain Davidson et al. Back in the shire a fifty year old hobbit was heard screaming blue murder and roaring that both hooker position and captaincy would only be wrestled from his dead fingers......watch this space.

Another period of pressure gave Cobham a scrum on the home five metre line and Jack Davidson controlled the ball inexpertly at the back of the scrum before touching down with a part of his body so obscure that it has yet to be named. Nonetheless a deserved try was awarded which Dave Disco Macallum duly scuffed between the uprights.

Using the strong wind at their backs and capitalising on some sloppy Cobham play Andover had a first foray into Cobham territory and came away with a well-taken three points. Cobham responded quickly, with Disco at 12 making inroads at will, ably supported by Richie Blackmore who was evidently wearing some natty white ice-skates as punishment for forgetting his size 5s. Following several phases where Cobham ran hard at the Andover fringes Jack Davidson popped up in the midfield and ran through a gaping hole in the defence untouched. 14-3 to Cobham.

Again Andover responded quickly and another infringement went punished by their jack of all trades kicker - enforcer, translator, voice of the people and a good boot. He did it all.

Cobham were still dominating posession as Gus and Nunny continued to forage for treats. To quote Geoffrey Boycott they were settling in for breakfast, lunch and supper. With the home scrum  buckling under immense presssure the referee gave in to the polite requests of Cobham's players and kindly awarded a penalty try for some kind of dark arts. This reporter does not understand scrums. Disco Macallum showed all his class and nerve to slot over from in front of the posts.

At half time Cobham's tall captain came down to average human eye level to deliver a frank assessment 'Good but could do better'. At times it is hard to believe he is also a tall schoolteacher.

Now playing with the wind behind them Cobham started the second half confidently but lacked the patience to grab the game by the neck. It was Andover who scored first and deservedly so, as they were rewarded for their more direct approach and better use of the conditions with a try from their 5 after several good phases. Another successful kick left the game still open at 21-13.

Cobham's response was immediate and decisive; turnover ball found its way through Cobham's hands out to Jack Davidson who was breathing the rariefied air of the tramlines. A swerve and turn of pace later saw him scooting past the cover defence to seal his hat-trick leaving a trail of blood, bandages and thankfully no teeth behind. 'Oh how the ravages of a hard season have marked his once beautiful visage' cries Mrs Davidson every Saturday night.

26-13 was the way the scoreboard stayed, as both teams hammered away in awful conditions with little reward. Cobham played well enough in spurts, but are still seeking the 80 minute performance everyone knows they are capable of. News filtered through of Purley's excellent result but this was not enough to dampen the spirits, as Cobham had some beers, magners, a guitar, and some scotch eggs to take care of. The visit of Old Reigatians after a weekend off will be the decisive game - win that, and Cobham will win the league.